The Hard Times Of Sonic The Hedgehog
by GhettoTomatoOfDeath
Summary: One morning begins innocently enough, until Ciel and Vegeta wake Sonic to a day full of misshaps. Crossover, also with Dragonball Z and Fullmetal Alchemist. T for launguage and fart jokes  Ed


**Sonic's POV**

Ugh, this was so retarded. Today that idiot Ciel made me go to the mall with him and that asshole Vegeta, and of course, the trip went up in smoke.

Ciel had shown up at 7 in the morning, and we don't get up till 9! Vegeta was with him, mumbling about how walking was for low class human scum. We ate french toast for breakfast instead of cereal like we normally do because Vegeta bullied my mom into doing it. He said "Earth Whore, I demand you cook me a meal before I kill you and your family! And make it a real meal, not that frozen Jimmy Dean shit!"

Ciel told me that they'd come over to my house to pick me up so we could go to the mall for clothes(he had found Sebastian's credit card on the counter last night).

"Yuck, what's with all these damn cats on the card? Honestly that man needs therapy." Vegeta is one to talk. That pile of saiyan shit needs to shut up and look at his own credit card with " Over 9000" on it.

We had ridden the city bus over there since Dad needed my car to get to work today since Maniac totaled his last night, drunk. "Yo, Sonic, you got some green?"Ciel said. "Are you talking about weed?" I asked. " Hell no! I'm talking about money for the bus." "But I only have 10 dollars!" "Please, Sonic? I promise I won't harass your family anymore."

I knew better. A promise from Ciel was like a promise from Jack Sparrow: ain't worth shit. But still, I kinda did wanna go to the mall and buy some new shoes.

"Fine", I said wearily as I handed him this week's allowance. And I had cleaned the bathroom after Maniac used it just to get that little bit of cash.

As we boarded the number 7 bus, Vegeta gave the bus driver a dirty look, as if he were below him or something.

"Hey Ciel", Vegeta had said, "Can I sit with you? These earth snots are starting to creep me out. I mean, look at that one. It's ugly and it smells." Vegeta had been saying all of this rather loudly and the guy he had pointed to looked up. His expression said he was a very pissed off man.

"Boy, if yous iffin ta got sumthin ta say, say it ta mah face and not yo faggy boyfriend!"

Oh it was on now!

Vegeta and Ciel both started yelling at the same time: "WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE TALKING TO, YOU EARTHLING BITCH ASS CRACKER!" and "ARE YOU HONEST TO YO MOMMA CALLING CIEL MOTHERFUCKING PIMP ASS PHANTOMHIVE A FAGGOT? BITCH, LETS GO!" Ciel then pulled out his shank and rushed the man while Vegeta punched the hell out of him.

Well, while I was standing next to an elderly woman and pretending I didn't know them, the bus driver pulled over and kicked us all off,telling us to take it out on the street and not his motherfucking bus. We had to walk the additional 2 miles in 101° weather. Fuck.

When we finally got there I started up to the food court cause I was starving. But when I went and got my food someone bumped into me.

"Why you little motherfucker I'll kill..." but when I saw who it was I felt like crawling in a hole and dying. It was Blaze the Cat, Ciel's worst enemy and my friend. We nearly killed her 3 times which leaves her with six lives (more than I'll have when this is over).

"What was that!"she said with a furious roar. I felt like I was gonna shit myself. But I thought maybe if I acted tough, then she'll get scared and back off.

"Are you ready to die?" I started my act. "Ready?" I asked. "If you mean I can kill you and your just another SLUT on the street corner then yes I'm ready. Go for it!"

When I finished my sentence everyone was laughing at her. She was bright red but not with embarrassment. With anger. At that moment only one thing ran through my mind

I'm screwed. Then Ciel and Vegeta came. " Hey whore! You have some serious balls to mess with the friend of a Saiyan prince you piece of shit SLUT!" Now Blaze was real mad! She stomped over to Vegeta to fight. "Vegeta you don't know what you're getting into!" I said. "She may be stronger than me, Sonic, but just like you she does not have true pride!" Vegeta spouted in anger. That Saiyan bastard was digging his own grave!

" The saiyan prince

shall

destroy this

WHORE!

Vegeta then threw a series of random attacks! But Blaze still kicked his pure white ass! "Punk ass Shug Nite!" Blaze yelled, then she turned to us. Then the same thought from before ran through my mind.

We're screwed!

The next thing I knew Ciel was on the ground crying. The wuss puss. "Hey Ciel you want me to fight her or are you not done eating dirt?"I told him. "Shut up bitch." Ciel spat out. But I knew what to do. I ran up to Blaze, stared her in the face and...ran. As fast as I could around her I heard Ciel's voice. "Stop running and whoop that trick!"Sometimes Ciel can be a real asshole. Luckily I was too fast for Blaze to see me so I did some tough blows. She was gripped with agony "Damn your whizzing around, fight like a man!"Blaze yelled weakly. She was running out of oxygen from the wind I was causing. But I didn't notice. "Do you see a man around? I'm a hedgehog!" I said. And then I broke her neck! But she was still alive. She staggered around for a bit, moaning, then collapsed "I told her to give up. How embarrassing."I said when I left Ciel ran up and said...

" you

got

knocked

the

fuck

out!"

"Gimme my damn money!" Ciel said as he ripped Blaze's money out

"Payback's a motherfucker ain't it nigga?" Then Ciel ran off with it.

Sigh. My morning was not going well. Here it was, just 10:30, and we had already gotten kicked out of the food court. We talked to the police saying it was just an accident and the witnesses said they didn't see nothing 'cuz this is the hood.

"Where to now, Vegeta? I mean, are they any other places you wanna go to today before I get ticked off and walk home?"

"Well, I would like to visit the torture shop, need to pick up some discipline items for my kids. Trunks needs his skinny white ass beat and Bra needs to learn that it is not okay to take a shit in Daddy's shoes!"

Me and Ciel gave Vegeta a WTF? look and went with him into Spencer's.

"Hmm, this is a nice looking belt, whip the hide off of Trunks."

"Um, sir, we can't sell you that belt if you're going to use it for child abuse."

Vegeta peered not to closely at the employees name tag.

"Well, Dan" "It's Dave sir" "You do know that you are in fact talking to the prince of all Saiyans, and you should consider yourself lucky to even be gazing upon my great beauty and power. So you should give me this belt for free before I blast you into oblivion!"

I did a facepalm. Not this again. While Vegeta and Dave were arguing about parenting skills, I had noticed Ciel had wandered to the back of the store, where some of the more 'Risque' stuff was kept.

" Hey Sonic, I found these fuzzy pink handcuffs, you think Ed would like 'em for his birthday?"

This was my face O_O .

"I don't give a fuck! Let him tie up Winry with a fucking copper wire and fuck her for all I care! Damn, I just wanna get the fuck out of this faggot ass store! Since when can you go to a store that fucking sells fucking grape flavored condoms! Damn, does fucking Alois fucking faggot bitch Trancy fucking live here with faggot ass fucking butler Claude the bitch ass faggot?"

"Damn, Sonic, I just wanted to know if Ed would like these. Gosh, don't get so defensive."

After I had cooled down, we purchased these items(with the faggot cat credit card of course): 1 leather black and silver belt with solid silver spikes, 1 pair of fuzzy pink handcuffs, 1 tee-shirt saying "Fuck me, I'm beautiful", 3 bright red thongs, and a pack of watermelon flavored condoms. I will not say who wanted those.

We headed down the escalator to the Game Stop. Ichigo and Rukia were cussing the shit out of Jet and his pack of bitches.

Jet was all like "Do you know who the fuck you messin' with you dumb ass motherfuckers!"

We left the mall immediately. As we took the bus to Ed and Al's house to drop off the cuffs, I took a nap. I was tired from all my yelling and screaming.

"Sonic. Hey Sonic, It's time for you to WAKE UP!"

Wahh! I jumped out of my seat. We were in front of Ed's house, and we could already hear the fighting. "Well double fuck you! And fuck you Al." "What the hell did I do brother?" As we started walking up there we saw the cat lady outside. "You fags stay off my fucking grass!" "Go to hell!" Ciel yelled out. We got inside and saw Ed asleep on the couch, tuckered out from his drunken fit. I dragged Ed to the bathroom, put him in the tub, and turned the water on. "WAKE UP!" I said as I kicked him in the balls. "shit!"ed yelled out as he clenched his ball sack "Time to go to the store." We got in Ed's raggedy ass car and left. As we rode, I saw Hohenhiem throw a brick at the cat lady.

"Who the fuck do you think you is bitch, yelling at my kids!"

"Go back to hell!"

"Fine, I will, but while I'm down there I'll say hello to yo momma!"

"Keep yo raggedy ass kids off of my lawn, and maybe I wouldn't need this!"

The woman pulled out a shot gun and blew the door off of Ed's house. We got the hell out of that bitch.

Vegeta talked shit all the way there and Ciel shot three people with a BB gun (he would have shot a lot more if he had more BB's.) and I had to drive cause Ed was passed out.

We pulled into the parking lot of Lau's opium den, and the sent of burning drugs filled the car. As Ciel started to say something, the car hit an unknown object.

"What the fuck was that!" Vegeta's got a hell of a potty mouth yo.

I exited the vehicle and gasped as I saw Goten's semi-conscious form laying on the ground next to a bag of crack.

"You okay there, buddy?" I asked. "Yeah I'm fanfuckingtastic." "Good cause you need a job." Goten went inside the the store with us to get some bong. Right when we walked in I got sick. So there was only one explanation... I was high. Just the the smell of that shit made me high. Then I heard Goten fall to the ground in pain. "My back! I want to sue for twenty -thousand dollars! But we can go to court now for twenty dollars!" A black store clerk saw Goten "Get out, it ain't even wet here" "How bout ten dollars and a paper clip. "WHAT IS THIS!" Lau came out. "American freeloader get out!" He made everyone leave "And stay black!" Goten was weird. That fag tried to get in the car with us."you owe us two dollars Goten get your ass out this car!" "Alright later Ed!" "Yeah fuck you." Ed said as he drove off.. right in front of Sally's house Ed ran out of gas. "Fuck!" Ed said as he got out of his car. Sally walked out the door in a dress . "Ah shit I forgot about are date at 1:30!" I looked at the time...3:30 ...fuck.

"Sonic, you bastard!" Sally yelled as she hit me with a pot. Ciel, Ed, and Vegeta were outside waiting. "You sonava bitch!" I dodged a fork and a portrait. Holy Shiznits, she was mad! We hightailed our skinny punk asses out of there! That bitch was psycho!

"Well Sonic, now we ain't got no ride and we abandoned Ed and Vegeta at that crazy girl's house. Now what?"

"Now what? Now what? What the fuck do you think? Sonic this, Sonic that, I'm sick of this shit! You need to get your own life and stop fucking up mine! I would've been on that date if it wasn't for you bastards! Get the fuck away from me!"

Ciel looked at me with a cool glare.

"Fine. I'll go. But Sonic, just so you know, if that had been anyone else yelling at me right now, they'd be dead on the sidewalk. I bid you fucking fantastic day."

And with that, I stared open mouthed at Ciel actually walking away **BY HIMSELF **without a second glance. That little bastard!

Well, fuck him then. I guess I'll just hitchhike home from here, 6 miles away.

As I walked through the scorching heat, I passed by Vegeta and Bulma's, where Trunks and Bra were frying an egg on the pavement. Little tikes.

Then I found the reason they were doing that.

"Kids, hurry up with dinner! Sorry we have to cook like this, but your father spent the money for the electric bill on booze, dirty rat bastard he is"

I kept on walking until I saw what appeared to be a drowned giant squirrel, but soon discovered to be Hohenheim.

"That old hag beat yo ass?"

"Yeah, she through the brick back, then sprayed me with her hose. And for some reason the water was boiling hot!"

"Maybe it was her cat spraying water?" I said, then left. Finally, I made it home, into my wonderful air conditioned house. No Ciel to be found. Awesome.

I spent the rest of my afternoon playing Sonic Adventure and Sonic Riders Zero Gravity. Then I surfed the internet for a bit. On Facebook, Goku and Vegeta had gotten into a serious fight over saiyan pride, and Ciel had deleted me as a friend. Fine by me. Like I wanted my wall cluttered up stupid rap singers fugly new hair styles. I fucking hate that bitch Nicki Minaj. But apparently Ciel loves her. Whatever, they can both burn in hell.

After the family ate dinner, I took a nap. I didn't realize I'd slept 7 hours (1 am.) till my old man shook me awake, looking pissed.

"Phone for you, bastard"

"Who is it?"

"Some dude named Sebastian."

"Tell him we don't want any."

"He says its urgent"

"Fine dammit, give me the phone"

I took the phone from dad and looked at the caller ID. Goku's place.

"What the fuck do you want, and make it short cuz I'm not-"

"Ciel's gone missing"

"And why the fuck should I care?"

"Isn't he your best friend?"

"Keep up with the times bastard. We are no longer amigos and that asshole can die-"

"He just might"

Shit. Shit shit shit shit shit. Being the kick-ass hero I am, I couldn't help but accept this rescue mission.

"I'll be right over, dammit."

I put on my shoes and rode to Goku's house on my bike. Everyone, even the lady next door to the Elric's was there. They all looked towards me for answers. A plan had already spawned in my heroic mind.

"Everybody split up into 4 teams. Vegeta will lead team 1, Goku team 2, Ed team 3, and Sebastian team 4. I'll work alone. Split up and look around town. Leave no corner unsearched or I'll kick your ass."

"What if you have no ass?"

"Thank you for the question, Mr. Elric, but last I checked, you have an ass judging from that ominous stench floating around the room."

Everyone exited quickly, wasting no time. I ran all over town and looked in all the abandoned bus stations and bars around. Then I heard a scream! It was him. Cornered by the Trancy house hoes. Claude held him down and Hannah had a knife to his throat. Fuck. This would be harder than I thought. With the triplets all together at the only entrance they could easily overpower me if I tried to make a run for the door and if I went through the ceiling they would see me and kill Ciel on the spot. While all this was going on, I had to wonder where the leader, Alois, was. but to my surprise he was right behind me. He gagged me and put me in a chair next to Ciel. He was crying. "You have no FUCKING idea what we're gonna do to you!" Claude then walked up to Alois and said " Um... what ARE we gonna do to em?"

These guys captured us and they don't even know what to do with us! Eggman would have already done something already.

"Ciel um...if we die I just want you to know..." Ciel interrupted me. " I always knew you were gay." "What?" "You were about to say I love you, that is kinda gay to me." "Do we have to fight NOW?" Ciel thought for a moment. "Yes." After that me and Ciel were quiet for an hour. "SHUT THE FUCK UP!" Me and Ciel looked at each other... "We didn't say shit." Claude looked at us with a "I'm pissed." glare and left. Alois was still there thinking what to do. "Sonic if we die... I fucked your sister last Friday."

I don't even remember why I came here any more.

We'd been here a while and I was starting to get bored. I kinda wish they had done something, it would've been more interesting than this.

"Hey bitches, are just gonna stand there and look stupid or what?"

"Shut up, I'm thinking you whore!"

Hold the fuck up. Did Alois "I love my booty shorts" Trancy just call me a whore? Oh hell no.

"Um, Alois, before you go calling someone a whore, maybe you should take a good long look in the mirror. You walk around town in a 4 year old's shorts, you stand on street corners for hours at a time, and you have 2 pimps. Not just 1, but 2!"

I pointed to Hannah and Claude.

"Hey, wait a minute, they're my hoes!"

"We are most certainly not!"

"Lets all just agree that all 3 of you are massive whores and need to burn in hell with that transvestite angel." We all looked at Ciel, who was looking rather pleased with himself for coming up with that one.

"Your highness, may I kill him?"

"Claude, shut the fuck up. No one likes you. You're a dirty punk ass bastard. No one cares about your opinions." My comment sent Claude spiraling into tears. Alois laughed sadistically and looked towards us.

"I think I will kill you losers" Again, Alois was being a hypocrite. "Hannah, hand me that knife before I kick you in the balls" "But I have no-" "Hannah, if I say you have balls, you have balls. Don't try to pull that BS with me."

I wasn't afraid though. Alois didn't have the balls to be left alone in the dark, let alone kill two people. Baby turtle he was, needs a fucking life.

OH SHIT!

"Damn it to hell! You asshole!" Alois went and cut me on my arm. He licked the blood off the knife. Little bastard. I knew this crack baby was a serious motherfucker tonight. So my kick ass mind made a plan.

"Fine kill us, you short motherfucker, the police will be here any minute now anyway." Alois looked at me like I was crazy.

"Your highness just kill the little..." "  
>"Shut up whore! I want to hear this bitch!" Claude burst into tears again.<p>

"Yeah I called them while you were talking to yourself. But remember, that doesn't apply to me. You were already gonna kill my ass, so stab away."

"No, fuck you! Let them go, I want my fish wet and squirming anyway, and I won't have time if the damn popos on the way !"

When they untied me it was my chance. So I did a back flip and kicked Claude in the balls. Once again he burst into tears. Then I grabbed Ciel and ran out of there. Got on my bike and drove off (why the fuck am I riding a bike anyway, i'm Sonic the Hedgehog.

"Punkass think he can kill us..."

"Shut the fuck up, we ain't out of the woods yet."

I saw Claude's car that said on the side "loves to fuck."

"Ram that bastard, trick" Alois said to Hannah. They luckily missed.

"Fuck!" Claude yelled out. "

Go faster!" Alois yelled.

Man if I didn't have Ciel on my bike I would key there shit which Ciel had already done. Twice. We were almost at Ed's. The cat lady was outside. "Stay off my fucking grass!"

" Fuck you lady!" Alois yelled. Just for the fun of it Alois did a doughnut on her lawn. She sprayed there car with gasoline(?) For that, Alois wrecked into her house. Claude's car lost it's roof. LOL. Then they got back to us. Vegeta's house was right there on the side of the road. Alois destroyed that. "Shit!"Claude's car was fucked up bad. At last I saw the guy's at a gas station. When they saw us they ran away, screaming. Then I looked behind me and saw the gasoline covered jacked up as hell flaming vehicle headed right for the gas pumps. Fuck. I made a tight left and got the hell away from there. We'd made it to the next block when we heard a gigantic **BOOM!** Damn, they must be dead or something, no one could get out of that shit alive, demon or not. Then alois poped up like some freak! He knocked me and Ciel off my bike and I hit my head on a rock. And passed out but not before I saw the remains of "loves to fuck."

"that freak jumped us and knocked sonic out but I started kicking his ass!" you did'nt kick shit you took sonic and ran nigga." I woke up and everyone was around me like pervrts. What the fuck did I do. "what happened where did that little freak go!" "he was aressted for atempt at rape and murder. The others died in the explosion." well how the hell did I get here?" "when you passed out like a bitch Vegeta kicked the living shit out of alois and Ciel carried you off to safety." "then where's Vegeta?" "also arrested. For atempt at murder for wrecking his trailer." "so sonic we cool." "yeah man." "good cause I need 20 dollars." well here was my day... beat up a friend,lost the girl of my dreams,and got captured by a boy hooker,and got knocked out pretty good. A PRETTY GOOD day on my part. So tommorow will be even more ghetto starting with Ciel waking me up at 5:30. fuck.


End file.
